Thursday, June 18, 2009

I was really in a bad place today, actually a lot lately.
I wrote a long post on my depression and anxiety and how I wish I could find a pill to fix it but all the past trials have been a wasted effort.
I decided to have a good cry and write the previous post about my mother.

We packed Nick's things for his trip and he leaves here in an hour or so and I am not coping with it very well.
(He is playing his XBox 360 that he saved and worked hard for (over $500 for all the stuff together) and I cannot believe how much he saved in such a short time. He gets an allowance and worked in the restaurant and he had birthday money too and he just kept socking it away instead of movies and ice cream and dinner with his friends.)
I know he will be in good hands and he will be surrounded by wonderful Christian kids and parents but he is only a baby!
I remember Space Camp and church camp a few years ago and how homesick he was just an hour away.
He will be fine.
Me?
I'm a mess.

I was overwhelmed by the sweet comments about my previous post.
It pulled me back out of the hole I have been in and although I am bound to get there again, I really appreciate how wonderful you "invisible friends" are.
Thank you kindly.
I hope my funny comes back soon, I miss it.

The alarm system still confuses me to tears.
I cannot fathom how many things it does.
I feel safe and yet, I worry that the world is a different place anymore.
Some guns were stolen from a house close to us a month ago and people are shoplifting more and more. Things like cigarettes and booze are the big ones but it seems like break-ins are more and more prevalent.
I don't worry about losing the things we have in our home as they are just things and can be replaced but the thought of someone coming in to take things and possibly hurt someone was the main reason for the alarm.
People are burglarizing homes to take the things to sell for money for drugs and probably to get by. To survive.
It is scary and shameful to have nice things and a roof over our heads and plenty of food and nice cars when there are so many without but I don't take anything for granted and I try to be conservative.
There are many in my town with so much financial wealth and it is hard to identify with the people we used to be (working and barely making ends meet) and those people.
What I am trying to say is that we don't hang out with many people because it is hard to be around people who are struggling and talk about my new pond or the trees we bought or that last few thousand we need to pay for college when some close to us are struggling.
And it is even harder to be around the wealthy people we know who don't even see what is going on around them because they are at their lake houses on their boats and going on their fancy trips and paying cash for college.
So, we fall in our own category, meaning we could end up either way and I have been poor, very poor. And I have been comfortable, so to speak. But never really comfortable.
And I am still the same person who buys shirts at Target and Walmart and sales racks at Gap, and clips coupons and watches for sales and demands my son get scholarships to save us money.
And the people we depend on to pay our bills (our customers) are the same ones who are hurting.
I read that the recession should be ending and things will be looking better by September. I don't know if this is accurate and I honestly don't know where the new jobs are going to come from or why the government keeps getting involved in things where they shouldn't.

One of our air conditioners in the kitchen (there are 2 in the kitchen and one in the dining room) at work died yesterday.
You would not believe what those suckers cost.
The employees are always saying, just buy one or get us this or that and they really don't get it.
They think we have endless amounts of money and just live it up.
They don't see my husband juggling the work bills to get the important stuff out of the way first.
Our food bill is over $6500.00 a week.
Over $24,000 a month!
This boggles my mind.
Our mortgage is insane and then there are utilities and payroll and carpet cleaners and broken crap every day. They do not take care of stuff.
I do not envy him at all and that is why I try to do all the household stuff and not ask him for help but boy it is tough sometimes.

Tonight I am cleaning the fireplace out.
Good times. It needs to be swept out and vacuumed and I don't want to pay someone to do it but I need a professional to do the chimney part.
I have my shop vac at the ready and a beer chillin in the fridge for my reward.

Just as soon as I drop my tiny baby off at the church and cry my way home.
Wish me luck.

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