Friday, July 3, 2009

To My Family

This is a rant.

I have a few complaints and then I will be finished.
Ok?
  • I am not and will never play Farm Town or Farmville on Facebook. I checked it out, it was a time waster (and I have too many of those don't I, BLOG?) I am not sending trees or sheep or chickens, I am not raking leaves etc... on anyones farm.
If this makes you hate me, I am sorry.

  • I am sick and tired of coming home from work, the store etc... and finding dishes in the sink, laundry all over the floor, hungry dogs, a dishwasher full of dirty dishes or clean (run it and empty it) or carpets that need to be vacuumed.
Yes, I am you mother. No I am not your slave. Clean up after yourselves.

  • I am sick of people telling me they are out of socks, underwear, and shorts.
First of all, all 3 of you have an insane amount of underwear, socks and clothing in general. If they are your favorite shorts and they are dirty, I would suggest finding a new pair to be the favorite or figuring out how to work the washing machine. I can give a class for you. If it needs to be washed, wash it!!!! I have a lot of things to do.
Also, telling me you have no underwear (when you have a drawer full of boxers but want to start wearing boxer-briefs) in front of 2 of your female friends the second I walk in the door from work is going to get you an embarrassing lecture which will involve said girls taking my side on your supreme laziness.

It is summer vacation. For you. Not for me. Ever.

  • If you are The Husband and you see that the toilet might need a quick scrub, knock yourself out. There are 4 toilets in this house, 1 for each of us to clean. (I pick the half bath in the basement)If there is stuff beginning to grow in the toilet, it is not a new pet- it is The Wife asserting her disgustedness with all of you.
I know you work your ass off. I do too. Grab a toilet brush, scrub your shower, grab a Clorox wipe and go to town. You might be amazed at the things that might occur. (things I KNOW you enjoy)

  • If the dogs are staring at you, they might need to go to the bathroom, or be thirsty or hungry. If I am not home, I have a cell phone and can fill you in on their feeding schedule. If the water dish is empty, we have magic water that comes out of the faucet. Again, I can give a class.
Dogs drink a lot, especially in summer, the dish gets filled 1,264 times a day. They enjoy eating, I know you do also.

Which brings me to the next complaint.
  • Cheez-its are a snack food. So is cheese in a can, Oreos, animal crackers, grapes and cheetos. (are you people mice?) It does not count as a meal.Make a sandwich, cook a microwave dinner, make some pasta, eat some of the apples, oranges and bananas that rot every week. Make a hoagie pizza. Stop drinking a gallon of sweet tea and the entire carton of oj in one day and then complaining the rest of the week that we have NOTHING to drink. Again, water comes out of the faucet. And out of the door in the fridge. Sodas should last more than a few days. One a day is enough.
When I stop buying all the snack food and only have water and milk (and my Crystal Light lemonade) to drink. You people will wither and die won't you? You will be forced to cook or starve. Mommy cooks, nobody is ever home to eat it.

  • If you use a cup (or 12) a plate or a bowl, put it in the silver box. It is a dishwasher. It is magic. It cleans things.
It takes very little time to load it. I have timed it myself.

  • If you have kleenexes, (people with yearlong allergies) papers, or trash from fast food places, put them in the trash can.

It is located in the trash closet. I can show you where we keep it.
If it is overflowing, take it out to the larger trash can. Located next to the garage. Trash day is Wed. Get all of the household trash out on Tues. night.

  • I have a notebook computer. It is password protected because it is MINE. I do my jobs around the house and in turn, I get to blog.You sit on the computer from the time you get up, hang out on Xbox all day in the basement and then throw a giant cow if I say to help out.That is OVER!!!!!!!! You now earn special computer and video game time by helping out. I hide the controls, mouse and wireless keyboard and disable the touchscreen.
See how mean I can be. You have no idea.

7 comments:

  1. If you find a way out of this vicious circle...by golly you let me know....better yet, write a book and become a multi-millionaire. I'll buy the first copy before the ink is dry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are you at my house?? You tell em, sista!

    I hate all that farm town crap also! Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

    ReplyDelete
  3. and how soon until school starts?? I totally understand where you are coming from; they do help out (mine are past school age) but I swear no one knows where the recycling bins are (right outside in the backyard)

    try to have a nice Fourth

    betty

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love this post, I don't think your kids will appreciate you til they are about 25..at 32 I'm still telling my mom I'm sorry for thinking she was crazy for wanting all 4 of us kids to help out all the time..I can't figure out why anyone thinks you want to do all that..can you imagine if you ran away for a week :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I popped over from The Wife of Riley's blog. I had to grin and shake my head as I read the rant. I remember those days and DO NOT miss them! Now that that the kids are grown and gone, hubby actually helps around the house. Why now and not then? I guess I'll never know...

    I enjoyed your blog.

    Oh, and my fields need watering... think you can help? ;)

    ReplyDelete

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