Thursday, May 20, 2010

For Now....

I am taking a break for awhile.

I don't have any 'funny' in me lately and I have other things to focus on.

It is sad to admit this but while I am writing posts that make people laugh, I am unable to laugh.
I feel like a liar, a cheater, a fake.

I am going to try to find a place within myself where I can be happy and confident and fulfilled with what I have to work with.
I am not the best person I can be. I am not anywhere near the best mother or wife or boss. I am sick of living with regrets and wishing for something better, or different.

I have no idea how to get where I need to be.
Instead of thinking about changing, I am going to just jump in headfirst without a helmet and hope the sharp rocks don't kill me.
Somewhere along the way, the living in fear caused me to stop living.

For most of my childhood, I watched my mother struggle.
She struggled to pay the bills, to feed us, clothe us, house us.
She seemed happy. She made us laugh endlessly. She made others laugh. Everyone adored her. She worked her ass off weekends and holidays and long shifts. Happily.
She had a secret.
She was not happy.
She was the child of alcoholic parents. She left a bad marriage, an abusive one. She was depressed. She was doing what she could with what she had been given but it was all she could do to hold her head up high.
She fooled a lot of people. Even me for a while.
But as I got into my teen years, I developed depression. I rebelled, I slept, I drank, my grades fell. I had terrible secrets. I wanted her to sit down with me and talk about things. Things that she was unable to help me with because she could not help her own self with them.
I was angry and resentful. I was a crappy daughter and sister. I was mean. I said awful things.
When she had really bad days, she went into her room and slept. Or she drank (although I never remember her drunk- she always went right to bed after) She blocked out the world. I did the same thing. I worked and I went to school and I drank and I slept.

Double lives.
Popular, pretty, funny, happy nurse.
Popular, pretty, funny, happy teenager.

I woke up the other day and I realized that even though I have many things that she never had, I am still just as miserable as she was.
Since she died, I have been worse. Empty.
She died surrounded by love and wealth but she died lonely and poor. She died cancer free but the cancer killed her. She died with regrets and sadness that we wanted to take away.
Only she could fix herself. She wanted more. Pretty things, a home of her own instead of a rental, flowers and grass and a swing. She never really said what she wanted. And she didn't know how.
It was easy for me to help show her how to change, it was easy for her to show me.
It was impossible to change ourselves.
When she died, I died too. No more hope.
She would never have that cottage by the beach, that cute little SUV, she wouldn't see my kids or my sisters kids become young men. She wouldn't hear my son sing like Josh Groban. She wouldn't see my beautiful yard that I work so hard on to impress her. She was gone. Like she was never really here. She had been gone awhile. Depression assured her of this.
We saw tiny glimpses of real happiness when she got sick. When I sipped iced tea with her and we sat in the sun. When we ate melty popsicles on her back deck- all of us together. My sister saw it when she with her 2 little boys. When she drank a peach smoothie and read decorating magazines with us before her medicine made her sleep for too long during my last visit with her. We planned to fix up her living room to make it brighter, happier.

So I am going to dedicate this post to my mom.
Who finally got to be perfect and whole and happy.
She got the biggest, brightest, most beautiful beach house. She can see Italy, France, Seattle, Minnesota. All at the same time. She flies on wings, not wheels. She watches me and doesn't want me to be sad.

So, I am going to stop this cycle before my kids get one day older.

I have to fix my broken soul so I can improve my marriage, help my younger son discover who he is and what he can accomplish, help my older son put his messy and disorganized first year of college behind him and figure out what he needs to do to repair his own confused and angry self and join the real world again. Yesterday was another challenge. Today we dealt with it. There will be more. We will be there to support our kids. Like we always have. We will do it better than in the past, we will learn from the mistakes that we have made.

I will continue to read some of my favorite blogs that make me smile or inspire me.
I will stay away from the negative ones and for that matter, negative people in general.
People like me. Because that is what I AM. On the outside, I pretend to be happy but inside, I am miserable.

I am going to do all the things that I need to do.
And then I will be back.

13 comments:

  1. this was such a beautiful post and honestly, i would love to read more. i find you amazing and strong and i believe in you. i do. i really really do.

    i am here if you need me. i am.

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  2. I feel at a loss for words, but I don't want to leave without commenting... I hope you do find what you need and that you succeed in breaking this cycle for your sake, but also for your children's sake.

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  3. I have a feeling that was a difficult post to write.So Good luck on your journey! You sound like you are heading in the right direction!

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  4. Hey kiddo. You made me cry. We all do the best we can, and we all fail miserably - at least in our own eyes. But if we've done the best we can, then we are successful. I'm assuming we all live some sort of lie, too. I know I do. And I don't think I have the courage to admit it like you just did.

    For now, I'll just say that I admire you. I'll keep watching and waiting for you to come back to us. Your mother must have been quite a lady. She raised you, didn't she?

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  5. I'm also at a loss for words... I pray you find your joy! I think many of us struggle with these feelings, so you're not alone. I will miss you till you return...
    ~cm

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  6. I think you are more "normal" than even you know.
    Even still, I'll be keeping you in my prayers that you figure things out and get to that healthy happy place you strive for.

    Until then, I too will be waiting for your return.

    Hang in there.

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  7. Best wishes and I hope you are out of the influence of the blues soon!

    Very touching words.

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  8. i am not an extremely religous person, but all i can think to say is that i pray that peace and happiness be with you and your family! sue

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  9. your twin lives in Southern California

    I truly understand this....I feel a lot of the same things you expressed

    I think you are doing a good thing to take a break and to start looking on things you can work on for changing the things you feel you need to change

    I suggest you look to the only One that is always there and can change hearts and can mend lives :)

    I'm always an email away.......

    I will miss your posts while you are gone, but I truly understand

    hugs to you

    betty

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  10. This post made me a little teary eyed. You do whatever you need to do, and I hope you get things all worked out. I know you will!

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  11. Saying prayers and sending positive thoughts that you find the peace you need in your journey to heal your soul. You are not alone.

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  12. I agree with Carrie B., and also believe that you are more normal than you really know. Send me an e-mail if you want to "talk."

    ReplyDelete

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