I have tried for months to get out of this dark place that my brain resides in.
I have been constantly bombarded with rain, bad news, negativity at work and chaos at home which has escalated my depression into the worst it has ever.
With nowhere to go but the crazy farm (not even kidding) I made up my mind to full my awful self out of this mess or die trying. If it weren't for my husband, who always looks on the bright side, I would be an even bigger mess and that could not be possible.
Sunday was awful. With little sleep and the mood at work nothing more than dismal, I stormed (yes) out with nary a goodbye to even my husband (who was there doing a few repairs) and came home for a nap. Mr. Cheerful came home soon after and wanted to go see his mom so I grudgingly obliged. No nap yet. I came home and finally got my nap and could not get up at all. Finally, I got up in time for dinner and my mood got a bit better.
Monday was our turn to drive my MIL to the city (an hours drive) for her blood test (white cell count is low) and while she had her weigh in and appt. we went to run a few errands. We picked her up and we were off to Sam's and Target but on the way there, my MIL got very nauseous and vomited (in her bedpan that she carried with her) quite a few times. I had to really focus on anything else but being in that car because I do not do puke but she felt so horrible and kept apologizing (she knows my phobia) and I survived. I had a container of hand sanitizing wipes which smell like alcohol and I kept one up to my nose so I didn't smell anything.
We stopped at Target for some water and I picked up a few more tank tops (my MIL was happy for the break, the car ride was making it worse and she had time to clean up and such)
We made it home, took the little one to Taco Bell, worked on the yard for a bit before dark (when the evil cicadas go to sleep) and went to bed early.
For some insane reason, I got enough sleep and woke up in the best mood, promising myself I would not let a single soul ruin my mood or bring me down. I gave everyone a genuine smile and asked everyone if they were having a good day. I gave out compliments on the silliest things, went outside a few times to soak up a bit of sun and told myself this was the day that it would start new.
I cannot speak for tomorrow. Sometimes it takes very little to crush me but here is what I know:
My mother-in-law is very sick, she might not live another year. My husband needs to have his gallbladder out so he doesn't develop cancer, my son dropped out of college and has no plans to return anytime soon, my family is very busy and we may not all get together again til Thanksgiving, my sister is having a terrible time with her son and his ADHD meds and I worry for her sanity, some of our employees need to be fired and I have no prospects for better ones, our manager at work has a negative attitude and spreads her poison all the time which brings down morale, my son will be driving soon with all of the loons out on the streets, we cannot get away as a family (the 4 of us) because my MIL cannot watch the dogs, we cannot leave for more than a couple of days because we need to be here in case something happens to my MIL or work, I hate these bugs and want to be outside in the sunshine, I have a million house projects and none of them are finished, I am cranky and tired all the time and I never have energy to be a good mom or wife, my kids are messy and my house never seems to get clean and stay that way, I worry about everything all day and night and sleep very poorly if at all.
I also know:
I have a husband who adores me. He puts up with my terrible moods and meanness and helps me every day to get through to the next day. I have 2 kids who are smart and healthy and do mostly what they are told, I have 4 dogs who are happy to see me every day even when I am a bitch, I have a beautiful yard full of green grass and flowers and trees and a hammock that I can relax on when the cicadas finally go away, I have a nice house with lots of room and pretty things and air conditioning and heat, I have food and clothing and my eyesight and hearing and I can walk and talk and make my own decisions, I have a family who loves me, crazy or not, I got to go on an amazing trip of a lifetime to Hawaii when I never thought I would ever get to go anywhere that lovely, I had the most amazing mother who taught me how to be funny, I have a great sense of humor (even when I am down) and can still make others laugh when I cannot laugh myself, I have a job and am able to pay my bills every month, I have a car that runs and gets me to the places I need to be, I have my health and even though I have extra weight and a bad neck and a sore foot, I can still do everything I need to do. I have a computer so I can stay in touch with the blog world which makes me feel like I have a million little friends inside of it every day. I have running water and hot water and a safe place to sleep and a comfy bed with soft sheets and a wonderful person to sleep next to every night (despite the snoring)
I have so much more but this isn't a brag and it sounding like one. I will tell myself all of the great things I have and I will bring myself back out of this hole once and for all.