Friday, March 30, 2012

John or as he likes to be known as Don Juan

My brother is 40 today!!
He is the only boy of 5 children and we have spent most our lives alternating between protecting him from rude, staring people and torturing the crap out of him.
You see, he was born with half of his brain missing and numerous other medical issues. He was not supposed to ever walk or be a capable person but he showed them!!
He was a bit babied by mom but we cut him zero slack.
Here are the top 15 best things about John:

15.} He adores his nephews. Mel's kids and mine are the best to him. He also adores all of our husbands. I think he adores us sisters but it is a slippery slope.
14.} He has had the most surgeries of anyone I have ever met. The Shriners Hospital took good care of him for many years. He has scars, a shunt in his head, he is legally blind, one leg is longer than the other, he has no use of his right hand, his toes overlap, etc... 
13.} When he was little, we had a jewelry box that played Lullaby when opened. Every time we opened it he cried. Then we would pretend to fall down and he would laugh. Then we would open the jewelry box again.
12.} He was my mom's best friend. When they lived together after we all moved out, he made the coffee, took out the trash, cleaned the litter box, made the iced tea and talked to my mom while she put her makeup on and did her hair {a 2 hour daily process} He told her funny stories, answered the phone like a champion secretary, brought her a roll of tp and filled her in on all of the QVC specials that she had missed while at work. She adored him and they drove each other insane. It was like the best sitcom ever.
11.} He is patient. He doesn't walk well for long periods of time but he would sit on the bench at Target/the mall/in the car forever while we shopped. Usually a popcorn and Coke was all he needed to get by.
10.} He knows music. He can tell you which song is sung by who in the first 2 seconds. He loves the Beatles {which I do not hold against him} and he will sing loudly to any song. He also is quite the dancer. We took him to a bar last year to hear a band that my sisters friends' husband is in and he tore up the dance floor.
9.} He is a fantastic dog sitter. He lets them in, he lets them out, he lets them in..... He occasionally yells at them at the top of lungs. He kisses them on the head. He bear-hugs them and pets them. He calls them stupid and asshole when they run over him or bark.
8.} He laughs at everything. You can pretend to fall down and he will laugh himself stupid. If you fart, it's the funniest thing ever. If you get drunk, he will pee himself.  He has what one would call a "guffaw" laugh.
7.} He is unaffected by talk of periods, birth stories, sex with our husbands, diapers, dog poo, drunken vomiting and many other gross things. I think he tunes us out. He has 4 sisters so he deserves some sort of medal.
6.} He can tell you every single thing about The Young and the Restless. Or every bad 80's and 90's show there ever was. Do you remember Hunter? Yeah, he does.
5.} He is smart. And sneaky. After my mom died he used her QVC account to purchase an insane amount of Today's Special Values. He hid the evidence in the garage. He got busted. He just wanted normalcy and to feel close to her. We all had husbands and families and he had her. It took a long time for him to come to grips that she was gone. All of us, really. He is a champion Solitaire player too.
4.} He is a hoarder. When we were moving my mom once, we opened his dresser drawers to find many, many, many bars of soap, deodorant, toothpaste and other toiletries. When I asked him if he thought they would ever stop making soap, he called me a bad name and told me to mind my own business. If Armageddon comes, you know where we will all be- clean and smelling good at John's house.
3.} He is generous. When he moved to the men's home a while back, he gave away more money for soda and candy and cigs than he should have. He has since learned from his mistakes.
2.} He is the loudest snorer ever. Ever. And if you tell him to shush, he will tell you to eff off. If you tell him to put on his sleep mask {for his apnea} he will tell you to eff off. Then he will mutter under his breath for the next 2 hours.
1.} He was put on a horse {by me, I then smacked its butt and said YAH!!} and rode it till it threw him off, he was pushed down the stairs, threatened, yelled at, hugged, smacked, protected, harassed, berated and loved. Still is. No more horses. He was treated the same as everyone else. We named a burger after him at our restaurant which delighted him to no end. He still tells me to eat a burger for him every time I get off the phone with him.

We love you JOHN!!!!!!!


  1. I love John too! How could anyone not love him. I think he totally rocks :)

  2. He sounds like a FABULOUS brother. Happy Birthday, John!

  3. I'm with Martha, I love him too! What a great guy! I can see how he would miss your mom.......

    Happy Birthday John!


  4. What a special post!

    They say if it doesn't kill you, makes you stronger (or something like that). I'd say having survived you and your sisters, he is one strong - and truly loved - dude.

    Happy Birthday John!!!!!

  5. What a sweet birthday post for your brother!

  6. What a sweet, wonderful guy. My heart lept out of my chest when you said he knows EVERYTHING about Young & Restless. me too. I've been watching that show for 39 years. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jon. And many more.

  7. How sweet! Happy Birthday,John!


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